Life Is Not What We Always Expect It To Be

Hello everyone,

I wanted to take the opportunity to share with you all something of worth. At least it is of worth to me.

As many of you know, I am a dancer. I love dancing, and have for a decade (that’s pretty weird to say). I love many things about dance. I love the ability to express myself, and to experiment with different kinds of motion and movement to test the limits of my body, and my musical mind at the same time. I also dearly love to perform. I love being on stage, and being able to help present a story or an idea to an audience for their enjoyment. I am, after all, a performer in daily life as well. I love so much about dance. But what I haven’t always loved about dance is rehearsals. I used to HATE them with a passion. I loved days where I found out that a rehearsal was canceled, and I wouldn’t have to make it through another rehearsal. This is such a funny little paradox that was in my life. I loved to perform, but I hated to do the preparation work. I can still be that way, sometimes, as any member of my dance company can tell you; I often would improvise any solo piece that I had to do for an assignment, and I even improvised my piece for the homecoming pageant senior year.  

But in my senior year, I began to realize that my days of dancing every day were coming to an end, and I hated that. Dance kept me focused, and gave me enough drive to complete the other million things in my life. Somewhere in my senior year, I started to look forward to rehearsals. I started to plan extra time that I could spend in the studio practicing the movements that I was expected to perform soon, and more time experimenting with my own movements and ideas. I started to find real enjoyment from running a piece or phrase over and over and over. 

Eventually, after the performance, I would sometimes keep practicing a piece, especially the ones that I really loved. We had a couple of pieces that many of the company members knew, that randomly someone would put on the song for the piece, and tons of people jumped up to dance the piece again.

This has been my relationship with the gospel in many respects. I used to love the days where I could miss church for something, or skip a young men’s activity, or get home “too late” to study, or to pray (retrospect is a wonderful thing showing us the folly of old thinking). I looked forward to a “break” from church and church activities, but loved participating in things like the Nauvoo and British Pageants, and Savior of the World. I like the big moments of spiritual exhilaration, where I knew that the Spirit was testifying to me of truth. 

But since being here on the mission, I have learned that I enjoy the “practice” a lot more than I used to. I find answers to questions that I have in my study of the Book of Mormon (although I hate using the word “questions” because that makes it seem like I have a specific question I want answered, and then find the answer. This is not the case for me. I usually find a small fragment of useful, applicable knowledge that I somehow forgot about or was brought to more clarity). I find real solace in personal prayer. I never got the whole praying thing. Honestly I didn’t know how to really, deeply communicate with Heavenly Father. I had learned at the feet of some of the best people to learn how to pray from. My mother and father have always been excellent examples of how to pray, and what to pray for. From seminary teachers, who, when asked to pray by the class member who was giving the devotional from the day, prayed with such clarity, and such honesty, that it was never a doubt that they were communicating with Deity. 

But I never felt that. Feeling the Spirit had always seemed to come easily to me, so why would I need to pray to know that God was there and aware of me, if I had felt it in a talk in sacrament meeting? 

Well, I have an answer that now. 

On the mission I have often felt the Spirit testifying of the truths being taught, not only by mission leaders, and other members of the mission in different forums, but also by myself. I have felt the Spirit more here than I ever have in my life. 

But as time has progressed, I have mentally been taking a toll. I am not the same person that I was when I came here. There have been many days where I have found myself sobbing in the bathroom (the only place where a missionary can truly be alone), and have felt so alone and lost and have had such a feeling of abandonment. There have been many days where I have felt that I could not do another day. Where even the thought of getting out of bed was painful, and the furthest thing from my mind.

Why would this be happening? I am a missionary, and as I said before, I have been filled with the Holy Ghost, so I should be happy, right? The gospel brings peace and joy, so the lack thereof must mean that I am not doing something right, right?

Well I can answer those questions finally myself, by answering an earlier question I posed: Why would I need to pray? 

I will tell you. I need to pray, because I cannot do this on my own. I have been given a, “thorn in the flesh” as Paul wrote (2 Corinthians 12:7), to keep me humble. For the past while I have been experiencing some of the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. I have been dealing with emotional and mental battles that I thought that I had overcome with the help of medicine a couple of years ago. 

Every morning and every night, I have to humble myself, kneel before my Maker, and plead for enough strength to make it just a few more hours. Most days, I end up kneeling during my lunch hour, because I do not have it in me to keep moving forward. This massive bout of depression, which hasn’t ended, has been going on for months, and within the last two has become unbearable. Most days I lack all desire and motivation to do anything, and more often than not, I have ended the day in a mental lull- a feeling of being empty and almost like a shell, or a husk of who I know that I am.

But I know that this thorn has been re-agitated for my benefit. I know how to pray. I know how to truly, “[cry] unto [God] in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul” (Enos 1:3). I now look forward to my daily communication with God, because it is only through his power that I have been able to make it this far, not only on the mission, but in the rest of life as well.

I write this all not in the way of, “Oh look at me and see how righteous I have become.” I don’t care what you all think of me (no offense to anyone but I really don’t). I write this to maybe help  one of you learn what I have learned- taste what I have tasted. I read something a while ago here of the mission, and it said that this specific individual learned to pray through imagery that his father taught him. This father told his son to pray to God as if he were standing in front of you. Now I have tried that before, but it wasn’t until I was mentally in a place where I absolutely needed to know if God was there, that I actually prayer as if God were standing in front of me. And for me, I didn’t even picture him in front of me. I was praying in the closet of my former apartment, rocking back and forth in tears, wishing that I could have a hug from someone who wasn’t a missionary, and wasn’t going to try and throw a scripture at me to feel better. In this moment, I imagined my Savior there beside me, holding me and trying to help me know that it was all going to be ok eventually. As a sat their, I felt a peace rush through me. I felt stillness, and calm and peace. Then I had a thought come into my head: I needed to pray as if I were actually talking to a real person, who was actually right next to me. That I needed to talk to them in the same respectful, worshipful way, but that I needed to do it as if I were actually speaking to someone. 

So I tried.

Well this was a new experience for me, and I decided to treat this new way of praying in a weird way. I first introduced myself to God (that sounds really weird, but it is what I did). I spoke of my likes and my dislikes, and things that I really liked. I then got around to asking for comfort at the end of the prayer.

This might sound really weird, but I am a people person. I understand people, and I love to be genuine and honest with people. But I don’t really tell people what is specifically bothering me unless I know them, and I know that they know me (this email is interesting, because I normally would not share the specifics of the trial Io am going through with so many people, but I have done so to help illustrate the lesson I have learned). So for me, I needed to introduce myself to God, so that I could trust Him.

Yes of course I know that God is Omniscient. He knows all and is aware of all things. He knows each one of us perfectly, and He loves us. 

But do we know that He actually knows us?

When we know that someone knows us, we are honest with them. We tend to be frank, and not try to put up a façade.

This is what I needed in my relationship with God. My whole life, I haven’t really felt like God knew me. I have had no visions, I have had no voice from on High speak to me audibly. So how could I actually know that God knew me. I have had faith and I have been trying to act on that faith for a while, but I have always had something missing. 

But I get it now. We don’t pray to let God know what we need. “for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.” (Matt 6:8). We pray to help our own faith. We pray so that we know that God knows. Then we can act on that particle of faith knowing that because we have asked, it is real.

Maybe this doesn’t click in anyone else’s head, but it makes sense to my “frenzied mind” (Alma 30:16). I think that a major portion of faith, is just exactly how much we believe in God. And I think it also boils down to not only how much we believe in God, but also how much we actually believe God. The learning this little difference in my daily worship has truly made all the difference. I think that I am slowly learning how to believe God. I have believed in Him for as long as I can remember. But it hasn’t been until recently that I have actually started to learn to believe God. Believing that what he says He can, and will do for me, will actually happen.

I am so grateful for the learning that I have had while here, and for the growth in my testimony that I have experienced. 

I mentioned how my mental state has been deteriorating. Because of the severity of the issue, and the fact that it isn’t getting better, but is in fact getting worse, I have been extended an honorable release from my missionary service. I have returned home today, Tuesday August 27th. Now this decision on the part of my mission president and it is not one made in haste. Over the last 3 months, he and I have been working closely to try and help my mental health improve. I have been working with a competent medical professional to try and help my mental state get better, but because of the lack of improvement, it has been decided that I be extended an honorable release from my mission, having faithfully served to the fullest of my capacities and capabilities. 

I would like to thank you all for the support and the love I have felt over the years, and throughout the time I have been serving here.

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the Lord’s church on the earth today. I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father, who loves us beyond our comprehension, even when we cannot feel it. I know that because of this love He has for us, He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for our sins. To take upon Himself not only our sins, but all of our mortal struggles, and trials, that we might be able to return to our Heavenly Father one day, being spotless and bright. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and that in conjunction with the Bible, testifies of the truthfulness of the gospel, and that the Book of Mormon contains the fullness of the gospel. I know that because of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, that Joseph Smith was called of God, to be his first prophet in this dispensation, and that through the gift and power of God, he translated the Book of Mormon. I know that Russell M. Nelson is the current prophet on the earth, having his priesthood authority come through the rest of the prophets, in an unbroken chain of succession from Joseph Smith. I am grateful that the Lord allows us to have trials, and infirmities, so that we can learn how to truly appreciate, and come to fully rely on the Lord for help. 

This is my witness and testimony of the truthfulness of these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Greetings

Hello everyone,

This week has been just like the last while. Boring and dull. But that’s ok. 

I realized that I haven’t really given a great explanation of my new assignment, so here it is:
My zone is the Church History Library Services zone. We are responsible for helping the library’s staff with the different patrons that visit the library. We help staff the main desk in the lobby, along with a member of church security, and are the first people to interact with anyone who comes through the doors and into the lobby (i.e. staff, missionaries, researchers, and other patrons). We ask what we can do to help the people who come in, and then we take the next steps to assist them. Some people who come into the library have never been inside, and come in either because they have mistaken it for the Family History Library, or the Church History Museum, so we often redirect them to the proper building that they wanted to go to in the first place. For those people who want to know more about the library, which is usually the majority of our guests, we take them back and give them a “tour”. What the tour includes is a small description of the building (basic information on the vaults in the building, the purpose behind the vaults, and what people can do in the library), and then we show them different artifacts that are in 4 cases at the back end of the library’s open area. The cases houses different things pertaining to the Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and other significant items to the church. We show them the different artifacts, and give a small explanation of each item.
We also help staff the reference desk in the main section of the library, with a library staff member. Here we (rarely) help people find books in our “open stacks” and reshelve books in the same stacks. The open stacks are just shelves that anyone can come in and read any book from. So the normal library part of the library. The other place we help staff is the reading room. This room is a room set aside for researchers from outside the library staff, who want to come in and read something, or look at an item that is in the “secure stacks”. This just means that the item is in one of the vaults in the building, and needs to be pulled from the stacks, and brought down to the reading room. There are a whole ton of rules about different things people can and can’t request, and things like that.

We do each one of these positions in an hour shift, and usually are assigned 2 different hour shifts throughout the day, in two different assignments.

The rest of our day is sitting in a cubicle helping index records for the library, to help make the catalog better.
On Saturdays we have youth groups come in (most of the time) and we give them a presentation on the translation of the Book of Mormon, and then show them the cases. I haven’t given the presentation, because I haven’t memorized the script, and I have been failing at my memorization skills lately, so I doubt I will be giving that presentation any time soon.

On Mondays we have a group come from the MTC, of missionaries from around the world, who are going all around the world. They are brought up because for most of these missionaries, they will most likely never be back in Utah again.

Honestly this zone is draining. I no longer have the same capacity to deal with people that I used to, so being at the greeter desk, giving tours, and helping the library staff is very taxing to me. I am tired all the time. And sitting in the back offices indexing drains the rest of my mental capacities, and my focus. The youth groups drain me for the same reason that the normal tours do, but the MTC groups are the worst. It’s been really hard to see these new missionaries from all over the world come to listen to me for like 10 minutes, and hear where they are going. I have met missionaries going all over the world. Tonga, Chile, Thailand, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Japan, and so many other places. It’s like a slap in the face, or salt in the wound, because I am asked by every single group where I am from and how long I have been out. The faces of those missionaries when they find out I am from Salt Lake pains me.

But oh well. Life goes on, and the work is still true, even if it hurts to be here sometimes.
The only thing that really happened this week, was on Saturday, my companionship and another companionship went to a sushi restaurant to celebrate one of the elder’s birthdays. It was a good break from being inside the apartments, and inside of the library.

In Alma chapter 6, we read that Alma is going to go to the land of Gideon to preach to them and to teach them. Verse 8 reads, 

“And Alma went and began to declare the word of God unto the church which was established in the valley of Gideon, according to the revelation of the truth of the word which had been spoken by his fathers, and according to the spirit of prophecy which was in him, according to the testimony of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who should come to redeem his people from their sins, and the holy order by which he was called. And thus it is written. Amen.”









There is a footnote attached to this verse (footnote a on testimony) that takes us to Revelations 19:10. Now I know what you might be thinking, “Man, Elder B has lost his mind, because he is going to try and talk to us about Revelations!”, and you might be right. Although this verse that we are led to in Revelations is actually really simple and brings me some comfort. Verse 10 reads, 
“And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said unto me, See thou do it not: I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus: worship God: for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”

We are going to focus on the last part of this verse. “...the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.” I think that we as people tend to feel like God never really speaks to us, or that we have never really had any great miraculous visions, or revelations from God. But this verse teaches us a wonderful thing: that our own testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. If we have a testimony of the Savior, we have received revelation from God. In Matthew 16 we read,

“When Jesus came into the coasts of Cæsarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am? And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets.He saith unto them, But whom say aye that I am? And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God. And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.” (v13-17)

Here we are taught that it is by the power of God that we receive our testimony of the Savior. I often find myself questioning myself, asking myself if I really have ever received revelation in my own life. I sit and ponder and worry, and then these few verses come to my mind. If I can, or if I have ever been able to confidently proclaim to anyone that I know that I have a Savior, who died for me and for all mankind, then I can truly say that I have received revelation. 
Sometimes it feels like the heavens are shut. Like there is nothing coming to us. Radio silence. But I think that these are the times given to us, to prove to ourselves that we have faith. God knows each one of us perfectly, and he knows the thoughts and intents of our hearts better than we. So why would we have to prove to God that we are faithful? I think that in the times of silence, we are given an opportunity to help us solidify our testimonies in the gospel. We are given moments to stop and think back and ask ourselves, as Alma asked the people of Zarahemla, “...can ye feel so now?” Can you feel your connection to heaven? Can you feel your Savior’s love, even if it isn’t coming the way you normally feel it?
I am grateful for the gospel. I am so grateful for my knowledge that I have, that I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father, that he sent His Son, Jesus Christ to suffer and die for me, so that I can one day return to their presence. I am grateful for the Book of Mormon, and the word of Christ that are contained inside of it. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know it because I have made it my absolute focus to really know if it is the word of God the past year of my life, and every day I am touched in new ways concerning the book and its teachings. I know that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, and that his successor today is Russell M. Nelson.

I love you all, and eagerly look forward to the day when I will be reunited with each of you.

Love,

Elder Bartholomew

Dull Weeks Are Back In Swing

Hey Everyone!

This week has been pretty ok. I am getting trained in my new zone, and learning the different historical facts that I have to give to people when they come visit the Church History Library.

On Monday of this week we as a mission went to a Bees baseball game. It was ok. The break from the norm was good. The rest of this week has mostly just been taking naps during the lunch and dinner hours, and having different meetings and appointments. So not really anything else to say this week.

My companion and I get along well enough so that is a blessing.
Ummm……. That’s pretty much it this week…

From a study standpoint, I found 2 really interesting things (at least interesting to me), in Mosiah. In Mosiah 24, we are told the story of how the people of Alma escape the people holding them captive. The word of the Lord comes to Alma, and tells him that he needs to gather the people and get ready to leave, because he is going to put the Lamanites into a deep sleep. So the people do as instructed, and they escape, and they make it to a certain valley and set up camp there. Then Alma again receives instruction to leave quickly (Mosiah 24:23), because the Lamanites will make it to the valley they are in. But in that instruction the Lord tells Alma that He will stop the Lamanites from going any further in pursuit of them.
This made me stop and think about their situation. Here they are, first told to pack up and leave, and that they will be delivered, and they do it, and they think they are, and the Lord goes, “Not yet though! You gotta do one more thing, and then I will stop the Lamanites from getting you.” Couldn’t the Lord stop the Lamanites BEFORE they make it to that valley? Couldn’t He just keep the people of Alma safely tucked away there, and let them live righteously and alone? Couldn’t he just make their whole situation better? The answer is a solid, and obvious “yes” to all three questions. But the point of this escape from captivity is not only for the benefit of the people of Alma. The Lord needed them somewhere else. He needed them to make it to the land of Zarahemla and be with the people of king Mosiah. Alma needed to head the church in Zarahemla. But Alma didn’t know this. Neither did his people. I’m sure that they would have loved to stay in the valley that they made it to. It was their first relief from bondage, and from the trials they had been having. But that wasn’t the Lord’s plan. So even though the Lord could have stopped all of this captivity and escape in the first place, and could have helped them in many ways, what he was doing was solidifying the testimonies of the people of Alma, and of Alma himself. This long, roundabout way to make it to the Land of Zarahemla was absolutely necessary. They needed to go through all of it. They needed to stay for the amount of time the Lord had prepared them to stay there. They needed to move when the Lord said move. Because that’s what discipleship is all about. Listening, and doing. I’m sure that Alma and his people prayed many times to get out of bondage (it even says as much), and I’m sure that they really didn’t understand at the time of the whole experience, why things were happening the way that they were. But they could see it afterwards.

That feels like life oftentimes for me. I don’t know why things happen the way that they are happening, but I can try and have faith that the Lord knows what He is doing, and that it will all work out in the way that it is supposed to, even though I don’t understand it, or see it too clearly.

This whole experience might not be what I thought it was going to be, and definitely isn’t like any other mission that I thought I might serve, but I have at least grown in my love for the Book of Mormon. On every page I have been able to find answers to my problems and my questions. I am grateful for the peace that I feel when I dive into the pages, and actually look for some form of solace. I love the Book of Mormon.

Love you all,

Elder Bartholomew